An Honest Look at Who I am
The Strength to Carry-On, Even after Loss
This is my attempt at “An Honest Look at Who I Am”
Hello, my name is Aidan and this is my experience of an honest look at who I am. I lost my wife to cancer. I was raised and grew up in a large town in Ireland., coming from a large Irish family.
I had a reasonably happy childhood, yet I experienced incidents of insecurity and bullying on more than a few occasions. To be expected and normal.
It was in my early years I learned about society’s expectations of me. Be pleasant, be kind, always do the right thing, say you’re sorry when you know you have nothing to be sorry about. Turn the other cheek. Even though deep within, I felt at times not doing the right thing. Doing what I wanted. Even getting revenge.
Growing up in the 1960s was much different than growing up now. It was a case of children are seen and not heard. Back then, I wasn’t a saint, and yet I wasn’t a criminal either if you get my drift! The pressure to conform was enormous and slowly one battled yet never a war. Adults know best. Religion had/has its fair share of guilt associated with it and this contributed to my discomfort.
When I was younger, I was very very, shy. It was at this time that I became rather careful of whom I could trust. Family members had let me down. I would wear my heart on my sleeve and could take things to heart, more often than I should have. This caused me some anxiety. Playing sport helped me to harden up a bit. Yet one’s nature is one’s nature. I had and have a deep sense of concern for my fellow human being and where I saw injustices it annoyed me. Because of the lack of trust of others, I would never seek the assistance of others to help me. I would keep things to myself. This was a major weakness for me. Doing it my way, the only way!
When people meet me, I hoped they would experience a reasonably pleasant person. The vulnerable side to me is that I saw myself as one who serves, to be of help to those who need it. Perhaps, this emanated from a deep need within me to be accepted, ultimately to be loved. Of course, there have been a few occasions when people have bought me for a fool, however, they soon discovered that’s not so, and unfortunately for them, they had to leave me back to the shop.
Through my training, my work I discovered that its good to share how I felt, how I am feeling, and what I’m experiencing. I believe I need people to be there to support me.
In 1981 I met my future wife. We were married for almost 26 years.
In 2009 my wife, Catherine was diagnosed with cancer. Six months later she passed away. I screamed and roared, literally for days on end. Catherine was gone. Part of me died also. It’s almost as though a piece of me had been gouged and I was lost, incomplete. She was my angel. It was at this time, the guilt set in. Was I of any use to her? Could I have been a better husband? etc..
The trauma I felt caused me to become very physically ill, I experienced pain where I never had pain. There was a real sense that my life was shattered and I felt as though there was nothing left. Life almost became futile. I felt worthless. useless and became depressed with melancholy. I had lost the woman I loved, my life partner, and my life as crumbling around me.
Despite all that happened, I remained objective and was able to stand back. Within me I was literally dying, I lost my wife, I was dealing with other unmentionable matters. I was in turmoil. distraught, hurt, and extremely angry. Sometimes the feelings were numbness.
The anger I felt was enormous. You see at this time I have to deal with certain people. I literally wanted to harm them as they set out to destroy me at this time. I believed they wanted me dead.
I remained objective, took a stand back from what was happening which allowed me to indulge in rational thinking, and that allowed me to respond and not react. By responding I remained in control. Yet breaking up inside. If I had done what I felt like doing I am certain I would now be in prison. I’m not sure where I got the strength to remain in a rational mindset?
Yet within me, there was a survival instinct. There is a quality, an ability, a life force that somehow lets me know and says to me there is purpose in life. I still have work to do, people need me. Some people love me and depend on me. My adult children. My beliefs as a Christian gave me great consolation. My faith in God has been beneficial to me. When I felt like not going on, HE was there to carry me.
One of my masks is that I may appear confident, that I can do it all alone. I still have some masks, that, I believe are there to somehow protect me.
I now know I am not an island, that I can’t move forward alone. I need the support of people around me. I am a good person with lots to offer.
In October 2013, I attended the weekend Bereavement residential conference in Northern Ireland.
During the conference, I was given the opportunity to re-evaluate my situation and to explore my feelings through sharing and writing.
Without a doubt, I now know that its ok to write how I feel, it’s ok to share how I feel. This has helped me to be more balanced and able to communicate with family, friends in a reasoned manner.
It’s ok to write my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings down on paper knowing that I don’t necessarily have to share with anyone. Just getting the thought, feelings, and emotions onto paper eases my anxiety, my stress and eases my dis-ease. This has been another major learning for me to write, write, write until there is nothing more to write until the next time comes.
I now move forward, hopefully knowing my strengths and weaknesses and also knowing that help is there when I need it. When I feel down and upset I just keep writing. I firmly believe everyone has a choice! My wish for you is that you take the opportunity to have an honest look at your life, at YOU, and be willing to dig deep and get it out onto paper, write it. Write, write, and keep on writing.
Try writing for yourself, write down how you feel. It’s a sort of journalling for your health and wellbeing. If you want and are willing. please let me know how you are getting on. There is always hope, always life after a loss!